Dodge that thought! We don’t often think about having to duck from an onslaught of negative thoughts that come from either our own mind or someone else’s, but it can be a very good practice.
Though it’s a skill that can always be perfected, the rewards of thinking of thoughts as things to either be dodged or taken in fully, are many. When we stop taking our own and other people’s negative perceptions and judgments seriously, we can have the freedom to honestly assess our own behaviors, notice where they fall short of our goals, and make adjustments accordingly. Judgmental thoughts, whether they are followed by harsh words or not, can be equally damaging if we allow them to penetrate into our heart.
As children most of us were familiar with the taunt, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Though the first part of that phrase is certainly accurate, I seriously doubt the truth of “words can never hurt me.” Words can hurt—in fact they can cripple, and so can thoughts—whether they are our own or others (if we let them). By the same token, words and thoughts can create infinite good and heal the deepest wound. Many times, even a physical wound can be cured when the right words and thoughts are tending to it.
When someone throws a negative thought your way, how can you dodge it? First of all, when you perceive a judgment towards you, it’s important to trust yourself, but it’s equally necessary to question yourself. Can you really know for sure what someone else is thinking? How can you be certain that the other person is judging you? Even if you are getting a really negative vibe from the other person, it could honestly just be a reflection of the pain they are experiencing in that moment. Even though you are experiencing a dark energy exuding from that other person, can you find it within yourself to see the beauty of their true self, underneath, and the pain they are in now? Can you see the small child they once were, who, just like you, only wants to be loved, accepted and happy at the deepest level?
When it’s yourself that you are judging, can you give yourself that same compassion?
It can be even more difficult to be the victim of our own negative thinking. What a blow to our self-image it can be when we find ourselves to be irritable, depressed, anxious or down on ourselves for a behavior we had sworn to ourselves we were writing off—such as over-eating, emotional eating, reaching for a cigarette, withdrawing, or acting aggressively.
Sometimes you may become impatient with yourself and when you realize that you are having a series of destructive thoughts like wanting to eat the rest of the cheesecake in the fridge or tell off your sister because she is acting so self-centered—you may try hard to pull in the reins on those thoughts. You may tell yourself to stop thinking about these things, that they’ll only lead to behavior you’ll regret. While of course this is very true, what is unfortunately, equally true, is that we can’t just stop a thought because we want to. Try not to think about a chocolate chip cookie that just came out of the oven. How’d you do with that? If you are like everyone else I know, you could not avoid that thought.
Whenever we have a thought, if we look closely we see that there is a picture underneath that thought. That picture—in the subconscious mind—is the driver of the thought. We can’t just “get rid of the thought” anymore than we could stop a car without getting the driver to step on the brake or causing the car to crash.
But what we can do is change our focus. There is often more than one truth in any given situation. It may be true that you could be more patient with yourself regarding achieving your weight loss goals. At the same time, it may be equally true that you lost control when the bread-basket arrived at your dinner table. You may notice yourself zeroing in on the fact that you displayed no willpower at the restaurant. You can’t stop yourself from having that thought. What you can do is ask yourself, “What is the deeper truth here? Is there something I could focus on that would be more helpful and help to prevent me from repeating painful mistakes?”
When you self-reflect in this way, you may discover that your best course of action is to look at your thoughts as if you were witnessing them and make a conscious decision about which thoughts you are going to nurture and which ones you are going to ignore.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore your bread binge or what caused it. Doing so would only increase the likelihood of your repeating it. Rather, it would be more helpful to look at what happened without judgment and learn from the mistake.
I conducted a seminar recently for one hundred teachers from the Seminole County Public School System. At the end of the seminar, a young teacher approached me. She told me that she had been bothered by another person’s coughing during the session. As soon as she started thinking about how annoying it was that someone was coughing, all she could do was cough! Try as she did, she could not stop herself from coughing! She then became so distracted with her own inner battle to stifle her need to clear her throat, that she prevented herself from fully relaxing and engaging fully in the seminar.
I felt for her dismay. It was such a perfect example of the teaching that what we think about and judge grows. It’s a law of nature. If we focus on our flaws, or someone else’s shortcomings, they become more and more imbedded in our subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is what drives all of our behavior. Therefore, we have to install the kind of thoughts that will lead us to the result we want.
The question is not: “Is this a good thought or a bad thought?” We must put down the sword and stop fighting with our own thoughts or someone else’s. Doing battle with our thoughts only increases their power. Instead the question we must ask ourselves is, “Where will this thought lead? Is that where I want to go?” If the thought does not contribute towards taking us towards the fulfillment we seek in our lives, we must not nurture it.
Think of your mind like a garden and you are the garden. It’s up to you to plant the kind of seeds in your garden that you want to see flourish and grow. The seeds are your thoughts. Water and fertilize only the thoughts that will ultimately lead to your happiness.
The fact that we think in pictures is a great clue for how to redirect our awareness to help ourselves achieve our own goals. When you notice that you are feeling down on yourself, regretting a thought or action, notice what picture pops up in your mind. Perhaps you see yourself as out of control in one way or another. You may not be able to just erase that thought. Unfortunately our minds don’t have a delete button. But what you can do is create a new picture. Instead of seeing yourself in a judgmental way such as, as a victim, a loser, out of control, or in any other negative light . . . change that image to a positive one. Imagine yourself strong, healthy, fit. See yourself engaging in the behaviors that will lead you to the result you want . . . exercising, eating healthy foods, having positive interactions with others, and being successful in your work.
Athletes know that when they imagine a successful play over and over, their game improves. To improve your game . . . whether that game is achieving health, having a fulfilling marriage, loving relationships with your children or living at your ideal weight, you’ve got to practice! Use your mind to create the life you want. Water and fertilize the thoughts that will lead you to your desired destiny and ignore the rest. From lack of attention, those unwanted thoughts will begin to fade. Don’t fight with them – that will only increase their power. Just dodge that thought! Don’t worry, the next one won’t be too far behind. Decide if that one is worth keeping . . .. and if it’s worth keeping .. is it worth growing?
If it is, turn that thought into an affirmation and repeat it with gusto: “I am strong, healthy, whole, beautiful, happy, wise and growing!” Use strong emotion and repetition to turn this affirmation into your new reality.
By: Rena Greenberg
